My first second post of a month!!

I was thinking about a lot of things today. One of them was how my blog never lived up to it's name. When I started it, I thought it would be my own little corner, where I could pen down my inner-most thoughts, all my silly day-dreams, my world and my future as I saw it at that point of time.

It was a naive idea. Reading about my own daydreams a year later would probably be hilarious, but I'm not really sure I want to do that now. It would just make me realize all the things I had hoped the year would be, and none of which were remotely true. That is one strangely alluring, and at the same time, terrifying thing about the castles in the air that we build. We usually forget about them, but to actually type them out, would be like setting them in stone. Some part of me also believes that it would probably be jinxing them as well. It's like those things we dream of, but are too scared to admit even to ourselves, for the fear that even thinking it aloud could mean it might never come true.

Added to that, the thought of sharing my secret thoughts with the world doesn't seem to be very appealing idea. So most of what I write ends up being a veiled attempt to vent out some queer thoughts, without actually conveying anything useful to anyone. Contrary to what I would expect, I actually like doing that. It seems like a little private joke out there, which no one seems to get, but I can smile and nod knowingly to my heart's content.

And now, since I have rambled on for long enough, and I have 2 assignments to submit and a grueling 7:30- 4:30 schedule tomorrow, and far too many things on my mind than I'd like to admit, I'd better get going. Cheerio!

Of Paths and Crossings

Once in a while you come across a fork in the road. You sort of know what to expect from each choice. Not the nitty-gritty details, but you can see rather clearly the larger, more significant ramifications. The choices don’t always include moving forward. At times, one includes backtracking a little bit, going back, from the little detour you had taken and continuing on the expected path.

The sane, practical people you see around, usually take the latter option. But sometimes they get bored of being sane all the time. So they take the road less travelled. Despite the big signs advising them against it. It is allowed. Even the most sensible people need to do crazy things. They have fun for a while. But they soon realize that they miss the comfort of the expected. So they take another crazy turn, and end up on the road they were originally following.

However, more often than not, they choose the backtracking option. Ever been in a position when things are great, when there is a tremendous amount of possibility, when you are having an immensely pleasant time playing all kinds of games? But then something happens. You start to rationalize. You decide against taking that alluring path. Bet even as you reach that decision, that magic portal seems to have closed its doors. All the incentive it needed was a little hesitation. And then you are confused. Sure, you are relieved to be back on the beaten track. But is that nagging feeling regret? Are you perhaps wondering what could have happened and that you missed a wonderful opportunity? But then you remember it was for feeling precisely that way that you had once taken that other road. Maybe, the experience was worth having, but not one you would want to rush back to in a hurry.

And then there are those other sort of people who always do things they feel like doing, never rationalizing, never stopping to think about it. They go through life just as well. Living a little more fully, perhaps. But then, that is why these people fall in different categories. They think differently. Different things make them happy. And to each his own...

Another Day on the Job

“I can’t wait to grow up and do all the things that I want to that my parents won’t let me!” As a typical teenager that would often be my angry outburst. I don’t know exactly what those things that I wanted to do were. But it did include not going to the insanely torturous physics tuitions, bunking school, probably going out more often, but again, where and to do what, I have no clue. Someone once described me as fiercely independent. He couldn’t have been more precise. All I knew was that I didn’t want to be asked questions, and I wanted to do exactly what I wanted.

Now, however, that I am staying alone in a new city for a couple of months, and there is no one around to be asking me any questions, or to tell me what to do, after returning from a 10-6 job schedule, I find myself curled up on the sofa, sipping coffee and reading a book, or doing something on my laptop. Not going out to discs, not partying, not talking on the phone late at night, and not even doing a lot of shopping. In fact, I desperately want to go back home now, but I suspect that has more to do with home food than anything else. It was while talking to a friend about not doing anything that I realized I am doing exactly what I would have done at home. True, I don’t have to go to SG’s classes now, and I don’t have any studies either, but those were pre-JEE days. Still, I comprehend this is exactly who I am. Even when I am older and working, I will come home looking forward to the cup of coffee and the book waiting for me by the sofa, or the movie that my roommate and I had been waiting to watch for ages. I’m not the partying-boozing-going-out-every-night kind of girl. I don’t like dancing and I don’t particularly enjoy alcohol. I admit it’s fun at times when you are with friends, but it’s hardly something important to me. I’d rather watch 90210 and Friends or Big Bang Theory with my friends. Or ‘Roman Holiday’ with my sister for the umpteenth time and still be mesmerized by every single scene.

I look out from the train window to see the crazy rush outside, when you have to just stand and wait for the crowd to carry you out, where you have to wait for at least 10 minutes to cross one road, that isn’t even anywhere near the most crowded parts of the city. I see the people rushing, hurrying, as if possessed. But then I notice the grey monsoon clouds wafting across the murky sky. I see the tiny droplets dancing in the muddy puddles, I see a couple of kids playing “Ham-cheese-Ham-burger” undeterred by the world around them. I see the sun disappear between the tall buildings, but I can still see the brilliantly orange and purple tinted skies. And I don’t care what others are up to; I just know I don’t want to be a part of that crazy crowd. I turn up the volume of my iPod, and with John Mayer’s husky voice singing “Who says I can’t get stoned” in my ears, I step out of the station, oblivious to the noisy insanity around me, walking back at my own sweet pace.

P.S. I just realized that the first line makes me sound so old. For those who dont know, technically, I'm still a teenager. :)

Walking in the sun..

I was walking. Walking back from class on a hot Friday afternoon. I was walking because my cycle was punctured. It had been a while since I had walked alone. The sun burned bright in all its furious glory. And there was silence. Silence, except for the rustling of the dry leaves under my feet.

It was a long walk from my department. I checked my phone. No new messages, no missed calls, and no balance. I looked in my bag. No iPod either. It would be a lonely walk with just me and my thoughts. I had walked these paths many a time, sometimes, like now, with the sun at its glory, and sometimes at night, when the pale blue moonlight washes over it all. Sometimes in the evening, when the streets are buzzing with activity, with people returning from classes, going out with friends, or just aimlessly roaming around. And sometimes early in the morning, at 7:30, when the unlucky few who have just woken up and shoved down breakfast hurry to class, still in a daze. And I had been one of those people, too. One of the people rushing to class in a hurry, or one among the giggling girls- chattering away, or even one among the random set of people wondering “why am I with them?”

And I have walked these paths in winter, when you savour the sun’s warmth during the day and shiver at night. I have walked these paths in the rain, trying hard to guide my cycle with one hand with an umbrella in the other. And then, sometimes when its too hot and its pouring I just walked out into the rain and let it drench me from head to toe. Or sometimes, when I am in a playful mood, I have made it a point to jump on all the puddles on the way, squealing with delight like a little child. And in the summer, I have been wishing I had an umbrella, or a cap, or even a sunscreen lotion or a cycle that worked so that I could get out of the sun as soon as possible.

I see one of my friends walking hand-in -hand with her boyfriend. Cute couple, I say to myself, while yearning for one of those walks again. And I remember those walks, a year ago in the middle of the night, when such things were wonderfully new and exciting. And I smile, lost in my thoughts.

But life from the first year has changed. For one, a lot more seems to be happening around me all the time. Before I realize it the day has turned into a week. But maybe, more than the things around me, it I who have changed, become more social and relaxed in peoples’ company. I feel the need to do more things now. And, surprisingly, I enjoy them too. I actually like being busy. Life seems to be good for now. Its tiring, but its fun too and it promises to get even better

New Beginnings...

It's been nearly 6 months since my last post. The dry heat I was complaining about has given way to a chilling winter and yet another semester has passed. And like all the other semesters, I have, but a fleeting impression of what happened. It is indeed, strange, how the days never seem to pass, but the months come and go, almost without one noticing.

And the reason I did not write anything? Surely, I wasn't too busy. It was probably the lethargy and procrastination that seem to come so naturally to me when I am in Kgp. So, yet another screwed up semester, and more screwed up grades, and I am back to where I started- Just as clueless about what’s going on and just as messed-up. Maybe, with a few closer friendships, and a little more loneliness, a little less wisdom and a lot more of wasted hours. Here’s to hoping that this year, things are different.

Meanwhile, I read this line somewhere and loved it :

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance."