Musings on a Gray Wednesday Morning

It's been raining incessantly for the last 15 hours. I can see muddy pools forming through the white haze outside my window. It's kind of bleak, but I think it's pretty. I love how wet  and green the leaves look, I love the sound of the rain, and I love the smell of the wet earth. It makes me want to curl up with a book and an ample supply of coffee and cookies. It is also the only thing in a long time that woke up the dormant writer inside me. (Even I started to think she was dead!) If anyone still reads my pushed-into-oblivion blog, I have some musings I'd like to share.

With all the hustle and bustle of the upcoming placements, I find myself freshly confused about what I want to do in life. What I want most right now, is to have a clear idea about what I would like to spend the rest of my life doing. I want to travel, and read, and have lots of money and pretty dresses, but what do I do for a living? As of now, I want to do everything and nothing. (I know- That's very precise and helpful when it comes to choosing my future.) The moment I know, or realize, or decide, my life will be less of the intangible, obscure mess it is right now.

In "The Hungry Tide", Amitava Ghosh describes this moment of truth very beautifully. When Piya realizes she want to spend her life studying the dolphins, she says 

"It would be enough; as an alibi for a life, it would do; she would not need to apologize for how she had spent her time on this earth."

I loved the phrase, "an alibi for a life". It's so very apt, but I've never heard it put like that. How I wish I had something to make me feel like that!

On an entirely unrelated note, I somehow landed on an article titled, "Can we really have it all?" The author mentions that when the modern-day-working-woman wants to have it all, we assume she wants to have a successful career, a happy family, a great husband and two wonderful kids. The point she raised was interesting. If we call ourselves modern, why do we assume that this is what will make someone happy? She might want to be a stay-at-home-mom, or she might never want to get married at all. Who are we to decide what the ultimate aim of someone's life should be? And rightly so! 

 

It reminded me of a line in another book, "Eleven Minutes". The protagonist, who happened to be a prostitute writes in her diary:

 

"I walk about streets and look at all the people and I wonder if they chose their lives? Or were they like me, ‘chosen’ by fate?  The house wife who dreamed of becoming a model, the banker who wanted to be a musician, the dentist who felt he should write a book and devote himself to literature, the girl who would have loved to be a TV star, but who found herself instead, working at the checkout in a supermarket. 

I am not the only one, even though my fate may put me outside the law and outside society. In the search for happiness, however we are all equal... "

 

The last line changed my way of thinking for the better. I used to judge people, wonder why they did certain things they did. I would wonder why someone would want to get married at 21 and be done with their lives. 

But this line made me realize that they did it probably because they thought it'd make them happy. I could probably still not understand it very well, but I could at least acknowledge that we wanted different things from life, and what would make me happy would probably not  work for her. And thus, I stopped judging. 

Now, I'd better get myself some coffee and chocolate chip cookies.

The Perils and Perks of Being a Single Girl in IIT

All the movies will tell you that being single at 21 is probably the saddest thing that can happen, except, perhaps, being single at 30. Bottom line is, being single is always connected with being sad and lonely. More often than not, the girl in question would herself get all mopey when drunk because she does not have a recent ex, or imminent future boyfriend to call. And if you are single in a place like IIT, it might get to be a little more than what you signed up for.

Having being single for three out of my four years in Kharagpur, (which is significantly more than most girls here) I think I am sufficiently qualified to comment on the good, the bad and the ugly of single life in Kharagpur. Let’s start with the good first, since the boys always keep going on about how easy it must be for girls in an IIT.

It’s usually a great ego boost to have some admirers. But in IIT’s it’s never just “some”. It gets a little tiresome when your acquaintance of guys who haven’t asked you out gets so diminished that you run out of coffee buddies outside your hostel. Nevertheless, you do get to have a very eventful time.

You can pick and choose whom to date. If you are a little frivolous, and have no qualms about playing with people’s feelings, you might get a lot of free meals without getting into anything serious. You will get a lot of chocolates on Valentine’s Day or after FTs, and you always have a list of people you can call anytime if you are bored. If you are feeling a little fling-y, you might date multiple people simultaneously and get away with, “I said nothing serious”, if confronted by them, or your own conscience. And if you like being bossy, you might enjoy the thrill of having a cute puppy following you around and running your errands. Once you become committed, you might not be able to get away with the latter all the time, but again, it’s Kharagpur, so you probably will.

Another big bonus is the ceaseless stream of entertainment it provides your friends who have settled down by now. My friends, for example, have a blast whether or not I do something crazy in this respect. They are the ones who get the most out of the slight deviations from your prolonged single-dom that you venture into every now and then. They like to eavesdrop on your conversations when someone is trying to ask you out. They like speculating that you are a closet lesbian. They have a great laugh when they point out that “I’m not looking for anything serious” is NOT a synonym for “let’s just be friends”, and you said yes to a guy without realizing it. Then they just decide to sit back and see the fun waiting for it to crash and burn to an unholy ball of flames. And imagine their hilarity when zero dates later, the same guy suggests that “we should be just Facebook friends”, which by the way, is a true story.

But like I said, sometimes it gets a little too much. You just want to be able to hang out with guys without feeling weird. Having studied in an all-girls school for 14 years and coming from a family where everyone your age is female, it took me a while to get there. And then, the world realizes you are single, and you lose all that faster than you can imagine. I can safely say that updating my FB relationship status to single was my biggest FB faux-pas till date.

Sometimes, you are not just looking for your next boyfriend. But people here don’t seem to get that. All the boys think they are perfectly fine and desirable, and all the girls think you need someone special in your life. The part that makes the oncoming barrage of ask-outs difficult is when you have to explain to a friend why you think you should be just friends. It gets worse when they behave as if they cannot comprehend why anyone would not want to date them. Sometimes, I think, the guys mistake having a good time with someone as those proverbial “sparks” and they cannot fathom that you just didn’t feel it too. I realized the importance of the sparks when I gave it a try once, but that was a mistake I’d rather not repeat.

To make things worse, your girl friends think of every nice guy they meet as a prospective boyfriend for you. Sometimes they get more interested in the match than the two parties themselves, and after a very awkward date, they are the ones with the biggest disappointment. Granted that they have a good screening process for who they recommend, and they do ward off unwanted proposals, sometimes you wish they could understand how having a boyfriend is not one of the things you “need” to be happy.

I think I am one of the few girls who really like being single. Relationships are a big exhaustion for me. To make an effort to open up emotionally and then having it come crumbling down is an experience I would not want to risk unless I really, really like someone and I get those butterflies in my stomach. Meanwhile, I’d just like to have some friends.

To the few single girls in Kgp, I’d like to say, “If you hate being single, don’t worry, your next proposal is just around the corner. In the meanwhile, bask in the glory of your admirers”. To those single girls who like basking in the glory of their many admirers, I’d say, “Don’t get a swollen head. It’s just Kgp, and you’re no Scarlett Johansson”. To the single guys, “Do not ask out every girl you remotely know, and do not be so surprised when they say “no”.” To the committed girls, “Laugh all you want at/with your single friends, but do not try to set them up, unless they expressly want it”. And to those people who have asked me out and think I’m referring to them here, “Only my two best friends in Kgp know I’m talking about you.”

Of Geeks and Fairytales

“What are we doing with our lives?” I’m sure almost everyone in this campus must have been asking themselves that after seeing “The Social Network”. Understandably, the story of a 19 year old college Sophomore who goes on to become the world’s youngest billionaire gives you an incredible amount of hope. You feel as if there is an equally successful, albeit a little elusive idea floating around somewhere in your head and you just need to catch hold of it. At the same time, there's the nagging thought, “This guy was younger than me when he started working on Facebook! Am I too late? What am I doing with my life? Do I even know what I want to do with my life?”, and before you know, it snowballs into a mini panic-attack.

I think we IIT-ians are probably more affected by this movie than most normal people. I know, the statement sounds discriminating, but I promise, I have good reasons for saying so. For these “normal” people, the movie probably is more about Eduardo and how Mark betrayed him rather than about Zuckerberg and the creation of Facebook. But it is not the dynamics of the friendship that turns into a full-fledged legal massacre that interests us. We remember Mark holding his “I’m CEO, Bitch!” card more prominently, and unlike most people who were supremely scandalized by it, many of us actually respected this guy for being able to get away with something like that.

The truth is, in some way or the other, most of us are more like Zuckerberg than any of these other people are. For one, as much as we try to deny it, or cover it up by our numerous other interests, at the end of the day most of us were geeks, and deep down inside, we will always be geeks. We might sleep through class hours, but solving Math puzzles is fun for us. Ask people outside, and you’ll know why I said we’ll always be geeks.

So, we see this movie about this extremely intelligent guy who studies in his country’s most prestigious University. He doesn’t have a girlfriend, he thinks people studying in Brown don’t have to study, and he isn’t the most socially affable person around. The similarities start to get a little uncanny now. When he thinks about comparing girls to farm animals, we appreciated the humor and the thought behind it. In no way did it seem as offensive as it was to people in the movie. Instead of viewing Zuckerberg as a far off entity, we identify with him, probably more than we have with any character in the recent past.

When Sean Parker comes in with his seductive world of parties, alcohol, drugs and Victoria Secrets’ models, we understand the pull Mark must have felt. We don’t blame him for not being strong enough to withstand all of that. He was barely 20 then! By the time the movie ends, the “many people” I mentioned earlier would have thought of Mark as a traitor, a weakling who chose to be advised by a person he barely knew and in the process betrayed his only friend. But we do not judge him, we sympathize with him, and more importantly, most of us respect him! We respect the amount of work he had put in, we respect his courage for dropping out of college to follow his dreams and we especially appreciate his dry sarcasm and disdain. How strange and stark is the difference! Are we becoming an unfeeling class of people who judge everything by achievement, and monetary value rather than by the kind of people we are? Or is it because the movie is largely based on someone very much like who we are, that we see the only the greatness and not the ugliness in it?

To come back to my initial point, the reason we even think that we are wasting our time is because we believe we are capable of achieving similar success , but we are sitting around watching movies and doing nothing to actually make it happen. Maybe we are capable, maybe we aren’t, but the crux of the matter is that we think we are. And that is why the movie is like our own personal fairy tale, where a computer program can make you rich and famous, and the most socially awkward person gets to be the king of the biggest social network.

P.S. These are just a few opinions, which I do not believe very staunchly either. I did not even realize that I had these thoughts until I typed it out. Feel free to disagree. :)

My first second post of a month!!

I was thinking about a lot of things today. One of them was how my blog never lived up to it's name. When I started it, I thought it would be my own little corner, where I could pen down my inner-most thoughts, all my silly day-dreams, my world and my future as I saw it at that point of time.

It was a naive idea. Reading about my own daydreams a year later would probably be hilarious, but I'm not really sure I want to do that now. It would just make me realize all the things I had hoped the year would be, and none of which were remotely true. That is one strangely alluring, and at the same time, terrifying thing about the castles in the air that we build. We usually forget about them, but to actually type them out, would be like setting them in stone. Some part of me also believes that it would probably be jinxing them as well. It's like those things we dream of, but are too scared to admit even to ourselves, for the fear that even thinking it aloud could mean it might never come true.

Added to that, the thought of sharing my secret thoughts with the world doesn't seem to be very appealing idea. So most of what I write ends up being a veiled attempt to vent out some queer thoughts, without actually conveying anything useful to anyone. Contrary to what I would expect, I actually like doing that. It seems like a little private joke out there, which no one seems to get, but I can smile and nod knowingly to my heart's content.

And now, since I have rambled on for long enough, and I have 2 assignments to submit and a grueling 7:30- 4:30 schedule tomorrow, and far too many things on my mind than I'd like to admit, I'd better get going. Cheerio!

Of Paths and Crossings

Once in a while you come across a fork in the road. You sort of know what to expect from each choice. Not the nitty-gritty details, but you can see rather clearly the larger, more significant ramifications. The choices don’t always include moving forward. At times, one includes backtracking a little bit, going back, from the little detour you had taken and continuing on the expected path.

The sane, practical people you see around, usually take the latter option. But sometimes they get bored of being sane all the time. So they take the road less travelled. Despite the big signs advising them against it. It is allowed. Even the most sensible people need to do crazy things. They have fun for a while. But they soon realize that they miss the comfort of the expected. So they take another crazy turn, and end up on the road they were originally following.

However, more often than not, they choose the backtracking option. Ever been in a position when things are great, when there is a tremendous amount of possibility, when you are having an immensely pleasant time playing all kinds of games? But then something happens. You start to rationalize. You decide against taking that alluring path. Bet even as you reach that decision, that magic portal seems to have closed its doors. All the incentive it needed was a little hesitation. And then you are confused. Sure, you are relieved to be back on the beaten track. But is that nagging feeling regret? Are you perhaps wondering what could have happened and that you missed a wonderful opportunity? But then you remember it was for feeling precisely that way that you had once taken that other road. Maybe, the experience was worth having, but not one you would want to rush back to in a hurry.

And then there are those other sort of people who always do things they feel like doing, never rationalizing, never stopping to think about it. They go through life just as well. Living a little more fully, perhaps. But then, that is why these people fall in different categories. They think differently. Different things make them happy. And to each his own...

Another Day on the Job

“I can’t wait to grow up and do all the things that I want to that my parents won’t let me!” As a typical teenager that would often be my angry outburst. I don’t know exactly what those things that I wanted to do were. But it did include not going to the insanely torturous physics tuitions, bunking school, probably going out more often, but again, where and to do what, I have no clue. Someone once described me as fiercely independent. He couldn’t have been more precise. All I knew was that I didn’t want to be asked questions, and I wanted to do exactly what I wanted.

Now, however, that I am staying alone in a new city for a couple of months, and there is no one around to be asking me any questions, or to tell me what to do, after returning from a 10-6 job schedule, I find myself curled up on the sofa, sipping coffee and reading a book, or doing something on my laptop. Not going out to discs, not partying, not talking on the phone late at night, and not even doing a lot of shopping. In fact, I desperately want to go back home now, but I suspect that has more to do with home food than anything else. It was while talking to a friend about not doing anything that I realized I am doing exactly what I would have done at home. True, I don’t have to go to SG’s classes now, and I don’t have any studies either, but those were pre-JEE days. Still, I comprehend this is exactly who I am. Even when I am older and working, I will come home looking forward to the cup of coffee and the book waiting for me by the sofa, or the movie that my roommate and I had been waiting to watch for ages. I’m not the partying-boozing-going-out-every-night kind of girl. I don’t like dancing and I don’t particularly enjoy alcohol. I admit it’s fun at times when you are with friends, but it’s hardly something important to me. I’d rather watch 90210 and Friends or Big Bang Theory with my friends. Or ‘Roman Holiday’ with my sister for the umpteenth time and still be mesmerized by every single scene.

I look out from the train window to see the crazy rush outside, when you have to just stand and wait for the crowd to carry you out, where you have to wait for at least 10 minutes to cross one road, that isn’t even anywhere near the most crowded parts of the city. I see the people rushing, hurrying, as if possessed. But then I notice the grey monsoon clouds wafting across the murky sky. I see the tiny droplets dancing in the muddy puddles, I see a couple of kids playing “Ham-cheese-Ham-burger” undeterred by the world around them. I see the sun disappear between the tall buildings, but I can still see the brilliantly orange and purple tinted skies. And I don’t care what others are up to; I just know I don’t want to be a part of that crazy crowd. I turn up the volume of my iPod, and with John Mayer’s husky voice singing “Who says I can’t get stoned” in my ears, I step out of the station, oblivious to the noisy insanity around me, walking back at my own sweet pace.

P.S. I just realized that the first line makes me sound so old. For those who dont know, technically, I'm still a teenager. :)

Walking in the sun..

I was walking. Walking back from class on a hot Friday afternoon. I was walking because my cycle was punctured. It had been a while since I had walked alone. The sun burned bright in all its furious glory. And there was silence. Silence, except for the rustling of the dry leaves under my feet.

It was a long walk from my department. I checked my phone. No new messages, no missed calls, and no balance. I looked in my bag. No iPod either. It would be a lonely walk with just me and my thoughts. I had walked these paths many a time, sometimes, like now, with the sun at its glory, and sometimes at night, when the pale blue moonlight washes over it all. Sometimes in the evening, when the streets are buzzing with activity, with people returning from classes, going out with friends, or just aimlessly roaming around. And sometimes early in the morning, at 7:30, when the unlucky few who have just woken up and shoved down breakfast hurry to class, still in a daze. And I had been one of those people, too. One of the people rushing to class in a hurry, or one among the giggling girls- chattering away, or even one among the random set of people wondering “why am I with them?”

And I have walked these paths in winter, when you savour the sun’s warmth during the day and shiver at night. I have walked these paths in the rain, trying hard to guide my cycle with one hand with an umbrella in the other. And then, sometimes when its too hot and its pouring I just walked out into the rain and let it drench me from head to toe. Or sometimes, when I am in a playful mood, I have made it a point to jump on all the puddles on the way, squealing with delight like a little child. And in the summer, I have been wishing I had an umbrella, or a cap, or even a sunscreen lotion or a cycle that worked so that I could get out of the sun as soon as possible.

I see one of my friends walking hand-in -hand with her boyfriend. Cute couple, I say to myself, while yearning for one of those walks again. And I remember those walks, a year ago in the middle of the night, when such things were wonderfully new and exciting. And I smile, lost in my thoughts.

But life from the first year has changed. For one, a lot more seems to be happening around me all the time. Before I realize it the day has turned into a week. But maybe, more than the things around me, it I who have changed, become more social and relaxed in peoples’ company. I feel the need to do more things now. And, surprisingly, I enjoy them too. I actually like being busy. Life seems to be good for now. Its tiring, but its fun too and it promises to get even better

New Beginnings...

It's been nearly 6 months since my last post. The dry heat I was complaining about has given way to a chilling winter and yet another semester has passed. And like all the other semesters, I have, but a fleeting impression of what happened. It is indeed, strange, how the days never seem to pass, but the months come and go, almost without one noticing.

And the reason I did not write anything? Surely, I wasn't too busy. It was probably the lethargy and procrastination that seem to come so naturally to me when I am in Kgp. So, yet another screwed up semester, and more screwed up grades, and I am back to where I started- Just as clueless about what’s going on and just as messed-up. Maybe, with a few closer friendships, and a little more loneliness, a little less wisdom and a lot more of wasted hours. Here’s to hoping that this year, things are different.

Meanwhile, I read this line somewhere and loved it :

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance."

Observations on a train..

I have always liked observing people in public places. It’s a strangely satisfying activity. One is surprised at the conclusions you reach, just by seeing how people behave or interact with others. Recently I had a 10 hour long train journey where I had ample scope for people observation. It also happens to be the most unpleasant train journey I have ever had.

Things were going fine till, at a certain station, nearly 50 people barged into the compartment, which was one of the few reserved, AC compartments on the train. It turned out that none of them had tickets, but they were all high ranking railway officials, so they considered it their right to travel in an AC compartment, irrespective of the fact that it was reserved and no one had tickets. Obviously, the ones who had tickets protested. What followed was the first ever public brawl I have witnessed. Voices were raised, abuses were hurled freely, people were getting agitated, tensions were running high, and I was suddenly scared. Scared at how suddenly the peaceful compartment had exploded in rage(thank God there was no violence), scared because I had never heard so many men shouting together, scared because the people behaving in this manner all were decently dressed, educated, middle aged men, not street side thugs.

After a bit of delay and some chain pulling and more abuses, the train got going. The ones without tickets were still there, breathing down our necks, blocking the passageways- very disconcerting. But what was more disconcerting was their complete lack of embarrassment or remorse. Some were feeling bad and were talking about getting down at the next station, but there were others (there was a particularly nasty man in a horrible peach colored shirt standing near me) who were smirking, their air plainly saying that they believed they could do no wrong. And the ones, who were talking about getting down early, didn’t do so either.

I was appalled at the anarchy and lawlessness of the whole situation. One would expect the officials to bear in mind that there are certain rules to be followed for the smooth running of any system. These people definitely expect others to follow the rules, but for some unexplained reason they think the rules do not apply to them. As if being a part of the system separates them from the common mass of humanity.

It is perfectly understandable that they didn’t get reserved tickets, but they didn’t have to travel in an AC compartment. Not being without an AC for some hours wasn’t killing anyone and why would they take certain priviledges when they were certainly not entitled to? Sadly, none of this seemed to have come up in their thoughts. I heard what some of them were talking about and all of it was so amazingly petty that I couldn’t imagine people even thinking about such things, let alone have lengthy discussions and conspiracies. I felt like yelling at them to stop and pause for a moment to reflect on what joy all this pettiness had brought them all their lives. But I refrained.

And every time my nerves had eased and I had settled down comfortably just about to enjoy a nap, another heated argument followed. Ultimately, even though I was dead tired, I couldn’t sleep a wink.

But there were other disconcerting things coming to light in the wake of these events. A couple of young boys were seated a row ahead. One was in class 8 and the other in class 11. When all the shouting and abusing was taking place, these two had taken an active part in the proceedings, even standing on the seats and shouting alongside their dads. And no one told them anything.

Again, I was stunned. It didn’t matter that they were right and the others were wrong. Because what was wrong here was that two young schoolboys were behaving outrageously, raising their voices and abusing people three times their age, and their parents found it something to be proud of. I’m not saying that standing up for your rights is wrong, but when there are elders already doing it on your behalf, there is no need to abuse others. If there was a situation where some older people were picking on kids and taking advantage, you are surely entitled to stand up. But even that can be done with dignity and respect. These boys then seemed to be very satisfied with themselves and their parents followed suit, singing their praises, rivals in the tales of extraordinary intelligence and bravery shown by their respective children. I listened and cringed.

Again another thing I noticed was the general tendency to show off in public. There were constant discussions about thrilling tales of trekking under the most difficult circumstances, about how their kids dismantle computers and hard drives at lightning speeds. I didn’t know whether to laugh at them or be sad at the pathetic pettiness of their lives. At first I found the conversation entertaining, but soon it got on my nerves- no one stopped blowing his own trumpet! How amazing! Especially as showing off is one thing I have always been repulsed by and one thing I have never seen anybody in my family doing.

All in all, a horrible train journey, where all my nice thoughts were invaded by ugly brawls, irritation, distress at the current state of affairs in the country, and dismay at the way people choose to conduct their lives.

The Holidays

I’d never had holidays this long before. And never one in which I had less to do. So in a desperate bid to lessen the boredom, after devouring too many books, I pull out a pen and an old diary and try writing… it doesn’t work so I shift to my laptop… and churn out incredible pieces of highly embarassing, sentimental trash I never thought I was capable of producing… all the effect of utter joblessness and queer moods. Sigh.

And then I wander about aimlessly, having the messy but strangely satisfying orange sticks, even as tiny bits keep falling off into the dimly lit, desolate neighborhood streets. Sometimes trying a jhaal muri just because I love watching them make it …. Going to Park Street or College Street with friends or cousins and wander about aimlessly again… spend hours in completely futile adda sessions, hunt for second hand books in the narrow streets… stopping for a phuchcka or a roll, despite the heat….Going off to New Market or City Center at the slightest pretext and buying bags, slippers, loads of chunky jewelry that I know I will never wear, obnoxiously bright nail paints which I just might try on due to the sheer magnitude of my boredom…..

Eating at Flury’s, t3, kookie jar, dominoes, KFC, Pizza Hut, CCD and also zeeshan, coffee house, aminia, nizams… and feeling guilty about gorging, trying to convince myself that I’m home for not very long so I deserve all the heavenly food, and then dragging myself to swim at 6 in the morning in a hopeless attempt to check the calories….

Or sometimes I go up to the roof when the sun is about to set and stare at the flaming sky for God-knows-how-long till I can almost see the stars, trying to spot the shapes in the clouds, the colours in the evening sky, trying to make out the silhouette of the far off Howrah Bridge through the smoke and dust and the city lights, trying to find a pattern in the way the cars snake along the busy broad way, trying to make sense of all the chaos, of whatever is happening around me, trying to understand my ever changing moods and emotions, trying to figure out a reason, or an excuse… always trying… but then I get tired of trying and I just decide to let things be… and revel in the fact that I so love being home, not just because of my mother’s awesome pampering, or my sisters awesome cynicism, or even the air conditioned bliss in these amazingly sultry days, when I’m almost sure the monsoons have decided to abandon us… its more because of the fact that I know me better when I’m home and am not always running at a frenzied pace, I’m less confused and I can breathe more freely, but most importantly I can think…. Think about nothing and everything at the same time and keep thinking without anyone or anything ever interrupting me… so I keep thinking, even as I lie peacefully, into the wee hours of the morning, sleep not being able to pervade the world of my fantasies, gazing dreamily at the dancing shadows on the moonlit wall, the hint of a smile lingering on the corners of my mouth….

And now I am rambling so I guess it’s time to stop......

P.S. Actually, I did do something this summer- learnt driving! Will be getting my license soon. And then Calcutta streets, look out- here I come!